Saturday, October 7, 2017
Friday, February 17, 2017
Crashing and Burning while Craving the Heat of the Fire.
I never really thought I would make it to 47 years old. My biological Mom died young of bone cancer. She was 38. My dad also died of cancer. He was 56. I added the two together, divided by two and came up with 47 as my life expectancy. That's where I am today. A few months shy of 48 and facing my 30 year high school reunion.
I have had an amazing life and accomplished many of my goals. Goals change. I feel like I should be further along professionally, financially and physically. Sometimes I measure my success by finances. Other times I find myself comparing my success to others at my age. The promises I made to myself to make a difference in the world - scholarships that honor those I admire, fat bank accounts for some of the people I know and admire as well as theaters, libraries, and the ability to help others with travel, education and dreams.
The past few weeks I also am caught up in the role of being a parent, a husband and the son of an aging mother. All of these individuals are the ones who matter most in my life and the reason I work so hard to accomplish so much and burn the candle at both ends often to the point of exhaustion. I know that my approach was much different, and, to be honest, much more reckless, when I was single.
There is no denying I am dealing with a midlife crisis. I thought it had occurred earlier in my 30's. I have accepted life is planning on keeping me around longer than I initially thought possible. There are some red flags and problems with my aging body and years of neglect it has experienced. I am obese and need to lose weight. My heart has and is having some issues. Factor in stress and anxiety, a slightly elevated cholesterol and blood pressure and rising blood sugar that could cause diabetes and it becomes evident that my first and primary focus must be on my health.
Those who know me best know that I function best under stress and live for challenges that allow me to push the envelope and excel in every way possible. Mediocrity is something that annoys me and while I understand and value the concept of "just enough," I hunger for more - always. I have always had terrible sleep patterns - either too much or too little, often sleeping in the hours I shouldn't and often awake when others sleep. All of these pros and cons need to be addressed and I am tweaking my life and lifestyle in ways I once considered, well, "for old people."
I will be discussing some of my newer thoughts and some of the changes I am implementing on my journey to become a better and healthier person soon.
Admitting I have a problem is the first step to recovery.
I have had an amazing life and accomplished many of my goals. Goals change. I feel like I should be further along professionally, financially and physically. Sometimes I measure my success by finances. Other times I find myself comparing my success to others at my age. The promises I made to myself to make a difference in the world - scholarships that honor those I admire, fat bank accounts for some of the people I know and admire as well as theaters, libraries, and the ability to help others with travel, education and dreams.
The past few weeks I also am caught up in the role of being a parent, a husband and the son of an aging mother. All of these individuals are the ones who matter most in my life and the reason I work so hard to accomplish so much and burn the candle at both ends often to the point of exhaustion. I know that my approach was much different, and, to be honest, much more reckless, when I was single.
There is no denying I am dealing with a midlife crisis. I thought it had occurred earlier in my 30's. I have accepted life is planning on keeping me around longer than I initially thought possible. There are some red flags and problems with my aging body and years of neglect it has experienced. I am obese and need to lose weight. My heart has and is having some issues. Factor in stress and anxiety, a slightly elevated cholesterol and blood pressure and rising blood sugar that could cause diabetes and it becomes evident that my first and primary focus must be on my health.
Those who know me best know that I function best under stress and live for challenges that allow me to push the envelope and excel in every way possible. Mediocrity is something that annoys me and while I understand and value the concept of "just enough," I hunger for more - always. I have always had terrible sleep patterns - either too much or too little, often sleeping in the hours I shouldn't and often awake when others sleep. All of these pros and cons need to be addressed and I am tweaking my life and lifestyle in ways I once considered, well, "for old people."
I will be discussing some of my newer thoughts and some of the changes I am implementing on my journey to become a better and healthier person soon.
Admitting I have a problem is the first step to recovery.
Monday, January 23, 2017
Mid-life is creeping up and over me...I need more.
Here I am, seven years later, returning to blogging. As some of my longtime followers know I once had a scandalous blog on www.myspace.com that enabled others to learn more about me, my past, my adventures, sins and choices. I then briefly started writing here again in 2010, but, alas, I wasn't meant to share thoughts and feelings at that time.
Now, it is 2017. I am married. I have kids. I have launched Proper Manors, assisted in creating some additional creative content and furthered my acting career.
So far, I have had an amazing life. I sincerely recognize how lucky I am to do what I love, have a family and still manage to travel and focus on making the world a better place. There has been some significant pain and loss, as well as emotional growth the past seven years. My social circles seem to have changed - mostly for the better, I acknowledge that everyone I have met along my journey has helped me grow as a person and I certainly have come to understand, much more clearly, and sometimes painfully, that we are with others for a reason - no matter how brief or long that period of time may be in our lives.
Barack Obama is out of office. Donald Trump is President. I started blogging when George W. Bush was President, maybe even during the Clinton years, if old AOL posts survive. I have lived a pretty open life. I also have many misconceptions to address and I communicate most effectively through the written word.
My success has been slow. There have been advances and setbacks along the way. I have gained both fans and haters. Often the latter seems like a larger group than I had ever imagined possible. The more public my life has become the more I crave peace and quiet. I also have discovered I have zero tolerance, almost to a fault, for those with a victim mentality, lazy people, individuals who shift blame to others and anyone with a negative attitude or doomsday perspective. I have also discovered I have less energy to battle those individuals. I am committed to improving my life and circumstances.
It's been a hard road. I haven't given up. I wanted to a few times. I realize that I can't remain on the sidelines. I simply must push myself to exceed more. To be more. To create more. To travel more. To love and laugh more.
That's what brings me back to writing today.
I am feeling old at times, emotionally and physically drained. I am filled with uncertainty more now than I ever have been in my past. Maybe it's because I have kids now and every choice seems like it must be weighed against the impact that choice will have on my children and family.
I have a lot more to accomplish. I have some stalled dreams and sidelined goals that were and remain very important to me.
I also recognize that writing is therapy for me and, for better or worse, honest communication and sharing of my feelings is what will allow me to grow again.
I crave so much more from my life. I have never wanted to simply exist, survive or go through the motions of living. I want and need to be more in this universe. While wealth and fame are always on my mind, it's more about learning and leading.
Life was once Beer, Vodka, Marlboro Lights and anonymous sex.
Now I crave hot tea, clean air, healthy food and intimacy.
It's definitely not as exciting.
It is different.
Change is inevitable.
I must discover what "more" is in my world and be more specific in my goal-setting.
Thanks for joining or re-joining me on this new, yet very much the same, journey.
Now, it is 2017. I am married. I have kids. I have launched Proper Manors, assisted in creating some additional creative content and furthered my acting career.
So far, I have had an amazing life. I sincerely recognize how lucky I am to do what I love, have a family and still manage to travel and focus on making the world a better place. There has been some significant pain and loss, as well as emotional growth the past seven years. My social circles seem to have changed - mostly for the better, I acknowledge that everyone I have met along my journey has helped me grow as a person and I certainly have come to understand, much more clearly, and sometimes painfully, that we are with others for a reason - no matter how brief or long that period of time may be in our lives.
Barack Obama is out of office. Donald Trump is President. I started blogging when George W. Bush was President, maybe even during the Clinton years, if old AOL posts survive. I have lived a pretty open life. I also have many misconceptions to address and I communicate most effectively through the written word.
My success has been slow. There have been advances and setbacks along the way. I have gained both fans and haters. Often the latter seems like a larger group than I had ever imagined possible. The more public my life has become the more I crave peace and quiet. I also have discovered I have zero tolerance, almost to a fault, for those with a victim mentality, lazy people, individuals who shift blame to others and anyone with a negative attitude or doomsday perspective. I have also discovered I have less energy to battle those individuals. I am committed to improving my life and circumstances.
It's been a hard road. I haven't given up. I wanted to a few times. I realize that I can't remain on the sidelines. I simply must push myself to exceed more. To be more. To create more. To travel more. To love and laugh more.
That's what brings me back to writing today.
I am feeling old at times, emotionally and physically drained. I am filled with uncertainty more now than I ever have been in my past. Maybe it's because I have kids now and every choice seems like it must be weighed against the impact that choice will have on my children and family.
I have a lot more to accomplish. I have some stalled dreams and sidelined goals that were and remain very important to me.
I also recognize that writing is therapy for me and, for better or worse, honest communication and sharing of my feelings is what will allow me to grow again.
I crave so much more from my life. I have never wanted to simply exist, survive or go through the motions of living. I want and need to be more in this universe. While wealth and fame are always on my mind, it's more about learning and leading.
Life was once Beer, Vodka, Marlboro Lights and anonymous sex.
Now I crave hot tea, clean air, healthy food and intimacy.
It's definitely not as exciting.
It is different.
Change is inevitable.
I must discover what "more" is in my world and be more specific in my goal-setting.
Thanks for joining or re-joining me on this new, yet very much the same, journey.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Making the best of the silence
The nature of the entertainment industry is for everyone to rush to the next project they hear about and to jump on, full throttle, doing whatever it takes to secure a role or a job. This is always how it has been and is most likely never going to change. People, by nature, especially in this industry, are always seeking the next opportunity to take it up a level and many of them, at no fault of their own, will do all they can to move forward seldom stopping to look at the carnage they have left on their journey.
A month ago I was knee deep in five projects. I felt invincible. I thought I had the best team. Everyone was super reliable and we were all excited about moving forward together to the next level. Then, as always is the case, a few egos got blown up and it became a game of "who is smarter, better, more qualified, more experienced, the best, etc..?"
Once that happens -- projects start to fall apart quickly. In this industry appeasing the egos of others or listening to everyone's feedback is dangerous. A leader must have clear goals, create his agenda and to do list and quickly and methodically move forward, not allowing much wiggle room. If someone isn't following through - they should be cut. If someone is negative - they should be fired. If someone is a gossip - they should be shut down. It's sad that an industry has to be this way most of the time but in the entertainment industry nothing is a democracy. It's all about achieving personal goals and agendas. There certainly are some kind people who want to work and get ahead. There are individuals who show up, do their jobs, don't ask questions and observe so they can learn more each day.
I have learned from my many mistakes and setbacks. I continue to rebuild, regroup and reevaluate my circle and team from the past and those people that I currently know - always keeping an eye open for new talented souls to enter the arena. I know that I'll be back, stronger than I was this last round, very soon. I have a lot of goals to achieve and I don't plan on just letting them slip away.
Oh, the most odd development when projects start to stall and/or fall apart/get delayed is the almost instant silence. The phone stops ringing. The texts stop coming through. The email box doesn't need to be refreshed as often and the friend requests/twitter follows stop. This is even the case with the "friends" I make in the industry. I don't take it personally anymore. I used to. Now, I know they have to chase the next project and do what must be done. Me? Well I catch up on my sleep, clean out my inbox, delete the negative and the naysayers and wait.
A month ago I was knee deep in five projects. I felt invincible. I thought I had the best team. Everyone was super reliable and we were all excited about moving forward together to the next level. Then, as always is the case, a few egos got blown up and it became a game of "who is smarter, better, more qualified, more experienced, the best, etc..?"
Once that happens -- projects start to fall apart quickly. In this industry appeasing the egos of others or listening to everyone's feedback is dangerous. A leader must have clear goals, create his agenda and to do list and quickly and methodically move forward, not allowing much wiggle room. If someone isn't following through - they should be cut. If someone is negative - they should be fired. If someone is a gossip - they should be shut down. It's sad that an industry has to be this way most of the time but in the entertainment industry nothing is a democracy. It's all about achieving personal goals and agendas. There certainly are some kind people who want to work and get ahead. There are individuals who show up, do their jobs, don't ask questions and observe so they can learn more each day.
I have learned from my many mistakes and setbacks. I continue to rebuild, regroup and reevaluate my circle and team from the past and those people that I currently know - always keeping an eye open for new talented souls to enter the arena. I know that I'll be back, stronger than I was this last round, very soon. I have a lot of goals to achieve and I don't plan on just letting them slip away.
Oh, the most odd development when projects start to stall and/or fall apart/get delayed is the almost instant silence. The phone stops ringing. The texts stop coming through. The email box doesn't need to be refreshed as often and the friend requests/twitter follows stop. This is even the case with the "friends" I make in the industry. I don't take it personally anymore. I used to. Now, I know they have to chase the next project and do what must be done. Me? Well I catch up on my sleep, clean out my inbox, delete the negative and the naysayers and wait.
Monday, July 5, 2010
30 things I want to do, have and accomplish
30 things I want to do:
1. Have my own place
2. Buy a house
3. Act in a prime time series
4. Act in a soap opera
5. Continue to bring "Proper Manors," the soap opera I created, to life.
6. Be interviewed on a national talk show
7. Start a scholarship foundation for at risk youth from broken families in memory of my nephew, Shawn Pippin.
8. Create a foundation that allows students/young adults to travel in memory of my father, Allan F. D'Alessio
9. Donate 100K to my theatre group in Plant City, FL
10. Create an arts foundations/scholarship in memory of Beverley Harrison.
11. Fly in a private jet.
12. Produce a feature film
13. Write a book
14. Go to Amsterdam with Jef
15. Hike the Appalachian Trail
16. Run for Office
17. Be debt free and have repaid all the debts/loans I have incurred in my life.
18. Maintain a healthy weight of no more than 175 lbs.
19. Race cars
20. Rent a beach house in New England for a summer for all my friends.
21. Rent a large cabin in New England for the fall for all my friends.
22. Direct a Film
23. Direct a TV show
24. Go on a European journey with Jennifer.
25. Go on an Italian journey with Gina.
26. Explore Germany and Eastern Europe with Kevin.
27. Run a marathon
28. Work at a resort or vacation destination for a season.
29. Host or present on a major awards show
30. Move back to Utah
30 things I want to have:
1. A new car
2. A 30" waist
3. An Armani suit
4. Expensive dress shoes
5. A large whirlpool tub
6. An RV
7. Excellent health - mental and physical
8. An apartment in Chicago
9. A small villa in Greece
10. A small villa in Sorrento
11. A condo in Utah
12. A well equipped kitchen
13. A perfect smile.
14. Lasik surgery for better vision
15. A full time accountant/financial advisor
16. Restored credit
17. A simple yet elegant all purpose wardrobe that can fit into one suitcase.
18. Great camping gear so I can pull over and sleep/live anywhere while on road trips.
19. A well stocked bar in my home.
20. New headshots
21. Inheritances set up for the people I love most.
22. A small cabin in the country
23. Great sunglasses
24. The ability to take excellent care of my dog, Oscar, or any other pets I may have.
25. A European passport
26. Super comfortable hiking boots
27. A massage therapist on speed dial
28. A full time personal assistant
29. A Vespa
30. A mountain bike.
30 things I want to do before I die:
1. An around the world cruise
2. Visit Cuba
3. Live in the Greek Islands
4. Skydive
5. Attend the Cannes Film Festival
6. Go to Australia
7. See South Africa
8. Great Wall of China
9. Hawaii
10. Alaska
11. Win an Oscar
12. Win an Emmy
13. Go to South America
14. Portugal
15. The Islands of the Mediterranean
16. Thailand
17. Japan
18. Be completely pampered at an all inclusive resort in the Caribbean.
19. Visit the Pacific Northwest
20. Go to Yellowstone National Park
21. Drive from Alaska to South America
22. Take the Trans-Siberian Railway
23. An African Safari
24. A Trans-Atlantic Cruise
25. Attend the Academy Awards
26. Attend the Golden Globes
27. Attend the Emmy Awards
28. Attend the Tony Awards
29. Get my Italian Citizenship
30. Retire someplace in Europe
1. Have my own place
2. Buy a house
3. Act in a prime time series
4. Act in a soap opera
5. Continue to bring "Proper Manors," the soap opera I created, to life.
6. Be interviewed on a national talk show
7. Start a scholarship foundation for at risk youth from broken families in memory of my nephew, Shawn Pippin.
8. Create a foundation that allows students/young adults to travel in memory of my father, Allan F. D'Alessio
9. Donate 100K to my theatre group in Plant City, FL
10. Create an arts foundations/scholarship in memory of Beverley Harrison.
11. Fly in a private jet.
12. Produce a feature film
13. Write a book
14. Go to Amsterdam with Jef
15. Hike the Appalachian Trail
16. Run for Office
17. Be debt free and have repaid all the debts/loans I have incurred in my life.
18. Maintain a healthy weight of no more than 175 lbs.
19. Race cars
20. Rent a beach house in New England for a summer for all my friends.
21. Rent a large cabin in New England for the fall for all my friends.
22. Direct a Film
23. Direct a TV show
24. Go on a European journey with Jennifer.
25. Go on an Italian journey with Gina.
26. Explore Germany and Eastern Europe with Kevin.
27. Run a marathon
28. Work at a resort or vacation destination for a season.
29. Host or present on a major awards show
30. Move back to Utah
30 things I want to have:
1. A new car
2. A 30" waist
3. An Armani suit
4. Expensive dress shoes
5. A large whirlpool tub
6. An RV
7. Excellent health - mental and physical
8. An apartment in Chicago
9. A small villa in Greece
10. A small villa in Sorrento
11. A condo in Utah
12. A well equipped kitchen
13. A perfect smile.
14. Lasik surgery for better vision
15. A full time accountant/financial advisor
16. Restored credit
17. A simple yet elegant all purpose wardrobe that can fit into one suitcase.
18. Great camping gear so I can pull over and sleep/live anywhere while on road trips.
19. A well stocked bar in my home.
20. New headshots
21. Inheritances set up for the people I love most.
22. A small cabin in the country
23. Great sunglasses
24. The ability to take excellent care of my dog, Oscar, or any other pets I may have.
25. A European passport
26. Super comfortable hiking boots
27. A massage therapist on speed dial
28. A full time personal assistant
29. A Vespa
30. A mountain bike.
30 things I want to do before I die:
1. An around the world cruise
2. Visit Cuba
3. Live in the Greek Islands
4. Skydive
5. Attend the Cannes Film Festival
6. Go to Australia
7. See South Africa
8. Great Wall of China
9. Hawaii
10. Alaska
11. Win an Oscar
12. Win an Emmy
13. Go to South America
14. Portugal
15. The Islands of the Mediterranean
16. Thailand
17. Japan
18. Be completely pampered at an all inclusive resort in the Caribbean.
19. Visit the Pacific Northwest
20. Go to Yellowstone National Park
21. Drive from Alaska to South America
22. Take the Trans-Siberian Railway
23. An African Safari
24. A Trans-Atlantic Cruise
25. Attend the Academy Awards
26. Attend the Golden Globes
27. Attend the Emmy Awards
28. Attend the Tony Awards
29. Get my Italian Citizenship
30. Retire someplace in Europe
Sunday, July 4, 2010
It is my drug of choice
One of the challenges I often run into with my blogging is that everyone takes every word I write literally. I utilize my blog as a place to work out my brain, emotions, thoughts, dreams, desires and decisions that I am considering. I also am one of those individuals that often thinks out loud, saying and sharing thoughts about what I'd like to do/accomplish. I share random thoughts about my career, personal life, goals and feelings with a lot of the individuals that I know. It really bothers me when someone takes what I say or write as the gospel. I know that it can be frustrating to others who really want to pin me down on a specific issue but I need this venue and my real time ramblings to establish my priorities.
I have spent the past few weeks really thinking about what inspires me -- in other words, when I wake up in the morning, what do I want? I find that most of the time my thoughts run towards traveling. I love to travel. I love waking up in different places. I love the smell and feeling of an unfamiliar place as I learn the lay of the land. I love not knowing what is around the next corner or what adventure may be in store with an unscheduled day. I love sleeping in after a late night of drinking and socializing with new friends. I love waking up early to catch a flight, bus, train or ferry to an exciting new destination. For me, travel, just being in motion, has always created the most stability for me. I am also painfully aware that the loneliness I have carried with me throughout my life is as much a part of who I am when I am traveling -- and the people I meet - often those that really seem to fill the void the most - are the ones I am the quickest to leave. I may look back. I may have regrets yet I find I am unable to throw on the brakes long enough to stay or be in one place. I need a soul mate that craves the open road and adventure.
Financially speaking I grew up, as far as I knew, somewhat wealthy. Money in my late teens and early 20's was easy to make. I had enough luck in my life that there always seemed to be financial windfalls whenever I needed them to occur to allow me to take the next step of my professional and personal journey that started as a kid. Now, I realize I must rebuild financially to do what I love most.
Nothing inspires or motivates me like a trip. Even the mention of a trip makes me work harder than anything else. I know one part of my life is certain. I am a traveler. I need to travel. I must travel. I will continue to explore this world and learn from each stranger who becomes a friend.
I have spent the past few weeks really thinking about what inspires me -- in other words, when I wake up in the morning, what do I want? I find that most of the time my thoughts run towards traveling. I love to travel. I love waking up in different places. I love the smell and feeling of an unfamiliar place as I learn the lay of the land. I love not knowing what is around the next corner or what adventure may be in store with an unscheduled day. I love sleeping in after a late night of drinking and socializing with new friends. I love waking up early to catch a flight, bus, train or ferry to an exciting new destination. For me, travel, just being in motion, has always created the most stability for me. I am also painfully aware that the loneliness I have carried with me throughout my life is as much a part of who I am when I am traveling -- and the people I meet - often those that really seem to fill the void the most - are the ones I am the quickest to leave. I may look back. I may have regrets yet I find I am unable to throw on the brakes long enough to stay or be in one place. I need a soul mate that craves the open road and adventure.
Financially speaking I grew up, as far as I knew, somewhat wealthy. Money in my late teens and early 20's was easy to make. I had enough luck in my life that there always seemed to be financial windfalls whenever I needed them to occur to allow me to take the next step of my professional and personal journey that started as a kid. Now, I realize I must rebuild financially to do what I love most.
Nothing inspires or motivates me like a trip. Even the mention of a trip makes me work harder than anything else. I know one part of my life is certain. I am a traveler. I need to travel. I must travel. I will continue to explore this world and learn from each stranger who becomes a friend.
Saturday, July 3, 2010
I haven't blogged in a while. My old blog is over on Myspace (www.myspace.com/lostineurope). I started it in late 2004. Whenever I have stopped blogging - it's generally because life is good or more likely, I have just gotten to busy to keep up with it. I have noticed a trend. My mental health is directly tied to how much I blog. For better or worse it is vital that I share my thoughts and feelings - even if I feel like some of them are met to be private.
In this new social media world it is almost impossible to expect any level of privacy and I have come to terms with that especially since I have spent most of my adult life working in the entertainment industry. I am back at a point in my life where I feel like I am starting over again. I never expected to be back to that point so soon but I have recognized the pattern. It happened in 1997 when I challenged my family about the well being of my nephews. It happened in 2000 when I got overly involved in a friends personal relationship with another person. It happened in late 2003 when I had a major falling out with my stepmom. Again in late 2004 when I chose to stand up for some clients in Hollywood. Then in 2006 when I had an engagement fall apart, again in summer 2007 when some coworkers questioned and doubted my skills. Last spring I had some minor setbacks but now, the summer of 2010 - well, I am at ground zero and need to rebuild, regroup and redirect my life.
Stay tuned and thanks, in advance, for your support, comments and such.
In this new social media world it is almost impossible to expect any level of privacy and I have come to terms with that especially since I have spent most of my adult life working in the entertainment industry. I am back at a point in my life where I feel like I am starting over again. I never expected to be back to that point so soon but I have recognized the pattern. It happened in 1997 when I challenged my family about the well being of my nephews. It happened in 2000 when I got overly involved in a friends personal relationship with another person. It happened in late 2003 when I had a major falling out with my stepmom. Again in late 2004 when I chose to stand up for some clients in Hollywood. Then in 2006 when I had an engagement fall apart, again in summer 2007 when some coworkers questioned and doubted my skills. Last spring I had some minor setbacks but now, the summer of 2010 - well, I am at ground zero and need to rebuild, regroup and redirect my life.
Stay tuned and thanks, in advance, for your support, comments and such.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)