Saturday, October 7, 2017
Friday, February 17, 2017
Crashing and Burning while Craving the Heat of the Fire.
I never really thought I would make it to 47 years old. My biological Mom died young of bone cancer. She was 38. My dad also died of cancer. He was 56. I added the two together, divided by two and came up with 47 as my life expectancy. That's where I am today. A few months shy of 48 and facing my 30 year high school reunion.
I have had an amazing life and accomplished many of my goals. Goals change. I feel like I should be further along professionally, financially and physically. Sometimes I measure my success by finances. Other times I find myself comparing my success to others at my age. The promises I made to myself to make a difference in the world - scholarships that honor those I admire, fat bank accounts for some of the people I know and admire as well as theaters, libraries, and the ability to help others with travel, education and dreams.
The past few weeks I also am caught up in the role of being a parent, a husband and the son of an aging mother. All of these individuals are the ones who matter most in my life and the reason I work so hard to accomplish so much and burn the candle at both ends often to the point of exhaustion. I know that my approach was much different, and, to be honest, much more reckless, when I was single.
There is no denying I am dealing with a midlife crisis. I thought it had occurred earlier in my 30's. I have accepted life is planning on keeping me around longer than I initially thought possible. There are some red flags and problems with my aging body and years of neglect it has experienced. I am obese and need to lose weight. My heart has and is having some issues. Factor in stress and anxiety, a slightly elevated cholesterol and blood pressure and rising blood sugar that could cause diabetes and it becomes evident that my first and primary focus must be on my health.
Those who know me best know that I function best under stress and live for challenges that allow me to push the envelope and excel in every way possible. Mediocrity is something that annoys me and while I understand and value the concept of "just enough," I hunger for more - always. I have always had terrible sleep patterns - either too much or too little, often sleeping in the hours I shouldn't and often awake when others sleep. All of these pros and cons need to be addressed and I am tweaking my life and lifestyle in ways I once considered, well, "for old people."
I will be discussing some of my newer thoughts and some of the changes I am implementing on my journey to become a better and healthier person soon.
Admitting I have a problem is the first step to recovery.
I have had an amazing life and accomplished many of my goals. Goals change. I feel like I should be further along professionally, financially and physically. Sometimes I measure my success by finances. Other times I find myself comparing my success to others at my age. The promises I made to myself to make a difference in the world - scholarships that honor those I admire, fat bank accounts for some of the people I know and admire as well as theaters, libraries, and the ability to help others with travel, education and dreams.
The past few weeks I also am caught up in the role of being a parent, a husband and the son of an aging mother. All of these individuals are the ones who matter most in my life and the reason I work so hard to accomplish so much and burn the candle at both ends often to the point of exhaustion. I know that my approach was much different, and, to be honest, much more reckless, when I was single.
There is no denying I am dealing with a midlife crisis. I thought it had occurred earlier in my 30's. I have accepted life is planning on keeping me around longer than I initially thought possible. There are some red flags and problems with my aging body and years of neglect it has experienced. I am obese and need to lose weight. My heart has and is having some issues. Factor in stress and anxiety, a slightly elevated cholesterol and blood pressure and rising blood sugar that could cause diabetes and it becomes evident that my first and primary focus must be on my health.
Those who know me best know that I function best under stress and live for challenges that allow me to push the envelope and excel in every way possible. Mediocrity is something that annoys me and while I understand and value the concept of "just enough," I hunger for more - always. I have always had terrible sleep patterns - either too much or too little, often sleeping in the hours I shouldn't and often awake when others sleep. All of these pros and cons need to be addressed and I am tweaking my life and lifestyle in ways I once considered, well, "for old people."
I will be discussing some of my newer thoughts and some of the changes I am implementing on my journey to become a better and healthier person soon.
Admitting I have a problem is the first step to recovery.
Monday, January 23, 2017
Mid-life is creeping up and over me...I need more.
Here I am, seven years later, returning to blogging. As some of my longtime followers know I once had a scandalous blog on www.myspace.com that enabled others to learn more about me, my past, my adventures, sins and choices. I then briefly started writing here again in 2010, but, alas, I wasn't meant to share thoughts and feelings at that time.
Now, it is 2017. I am married. I have kids. I have launched Proper Manors, assisted in creating some additional creative content and furthered my acting career.
So far, I have had an amazing life. I sincerely recognize how lucky I am to do what I love, have a family and still manage to travel and focus on making the world a better place. There has been some significant pain and loss, as well as emotional growth the past seven years. My social circles seem to have changed - mostly for the better, I acknowledge that everyone I have met along my journey has helped me grow as a person and I certainly have come to understand, much more clearly, and sometimes painfully, that we are with others for a reason - no matter how brief or long that period of time may be in our lives.
Barack Obama is out of office. Donald Trump is President. I started blogging when George W. Bush was President, maybe even during the Clinton years, if old AOL posts survive. I have lived a pretty open life. I also have many misconceptions to address and I communicate most effectively through the written word.
My success has been slow. There have been advances and setbacks along the way. I have gained both fans and haters. Often the latter seems like a larger group than I had ever imagined possible. The more public my life has become the more I crave peace and quiet. I also have discovered I have zero tolerance, almost to a fault, for those with a victim mentality, lazy people, individuals who shift blame to others and anyone with a negative attitude or doomsday perspective. I have also discovered I have less energy to battle those individuals. I am committed to improving my life and circumstances.
It's been a hard road. I haven't given up. I wanted to a few times. I realize that I can't remain on the sidelines. I simply must push myself to exceed more. To be more. To create more. To travel more. To love and laugh more.
That's what brings me back to writing today.
I am feeling old at times, emotionally and physically drained. I am filled with uncertainty more now than I ever have been in my past. Maybe it's because I have kids now and every choice seems like it must be weighed against the impact that choice will have on my children and family.
I have a lot more to accomplish. I have some stalled dreams and sidelined goals that were and remain very important to me.
I also recognize that writing is therapy for me and, for better or worse, honest communication and sharing of my feelings is what will allow me to grow again.
I crave so much more from my life. I have never wanted to simply exist, survive or go through the motions of living. I want and need to be more in this universe. While wealth and fame are always on my mind, it's more about learning and leading.
Life was once Beer, Vodka, Marlboro Lights and anonymous sex.
Now I crave hot tea, clean air, healthy food and intimacy.
It's definitely not as exciting.
It is different.
Change is inevitable.
I must discover what "more" is in my world and be more specific in my goal-setting.
Thanks for joining or re-joining me on this new, yet very much the same, journey.
Now, it is 2017. I am married. I have kids. I have launched Proper Manors, assisted in creating some additional creative content and furthered my acting career.
So far, I have had an amazing life. I sincerely recognize how lucky I am to do what I love, have a family and still manage to travel and focus on making the world a better place. There has been some significant pain and loss, as well as emotional growth the past seven years. My social circles seem to have changed - mostly for the better, I acknowledge that everyone I have met along my journey has helped me grow as a person and I certainly have come to understand, much more clearly, and sometimes painfully, that we are with others for a reason - no matter how brief or long that period of time may be in our lives.
Barack Obama is out of office. Donald Trump is President. I started blogging when George W. Bush was President, maybe even during the Clinton years, if old AOL posts survive. I have lived a pretty open life. I also have many misconceptions to address and I communicate most effectively through the written word.
My success has been slow. There have been advances and setbacks along the way. I have gained both fans and haters. Often the latter seems like a larger group than I had ever imagined possible. The more public my life has become the more I crave peace and quiet. I also have discovered I have zero tolerance, almost to a fault, for those with a victim mentality, lazy people, individuals who shift blame to others and anyone with a negative attitude or doomsday perspective. I have also discovered I have less energy to battle those individuals. I am committed to improving my life and circumstances.
It's been a hard road. I haven't given up. I wanted to a few times. I realize that I can't remain on the sidelines. I simply must push myself to exceed more. To be more. To create more. To travel more. To love and laugh more.
That's what brings me back to writing today.
I am feeling old at times, emotionally and physically drained. I am filled with uncertainty more now than I ever have been in my past. Maybe it's because I have kids now and every choice seems like it must be weighed against the impact that choice will have on my children and family.
I have a lot more to accomplish. I have some stalled dreams and sidelined goals that were and remain very important to me.
I also recognize that writing is therapy for me and, for better or worse, honest communication and sharing of my feelings is what will allow me to grow again.
I crave so much more from my life. I have never wanted to simply exist, survive or go through the motions of living. I want and need to be more in this universe. While wealth and fame are always on my mind, it's more about learning and leading.
Life was once Beer, Vodka, Marlboro Lights and anonymous sex.
Now I crave hot tea, clean air, healthy food and intimacy.
It's definitely not as exciting.
It is different.
Change is inevitable.
I must discover what "more" is in my world and be more specific in my goal-setting.
Thanks for joining or re-joining me on this new, yet very much the same, journey.
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